Oh Humanity

I am sick and tired of humans. The end.

No, but seriously, how can one species manage to be so incredibly dim witted, and fuck up so often when they haven't even been around very long?

Let's start with politics. Today the news told me that Barack Obama will be speaking in a stadium that holds 76, 000 people. If 76, 000 people were to show up, that's 76,000 people who are delusional enough to think that their vote counts, to think that driving the speed limit at all times is going to save enough gas to keep this civilization afloat, people who think one black man can change the world (and sure, I am all for diversity in this godforsaken government, but there were plenty of black men and women before Mr. Obama that only scratched the surface, as a whole, the world thrives on racism...) 76,000 people for the more liberal vote. jesus imagine how many are on the other side? I'm sick of this.

Children. Another thing the news told me today was that children can't only play with electronic toys for the rest of their development. And may I say duh? Everything, which we all know by now, is run by money. Parents give birth to kids and from the time momma pops em out, the majority of parents spend the rest of their lives worrying about their kid's college funds or some such nonsense. So big manufacturers make smarty pants toys. Electronic books that talk and make noise while your toddler looks at pictures, miniature laptop computers with word games and numbers and puzzles, they have video games that mom says "finish playing before you have your dinner!", there are computer games, dvd's, fake cell phones. Getting little Timmy ready for college was no problem, we started when he was in utero. These parents plop their kid down in front of some cancer causing toy and convince themselves that their kids will be smarter than the rest because they have the best educational recreation on the block, meanwhile mom finishes her three way call business meeting then uses her elliptical trainer, while dad can stay late at the office. These kids get to have leap frog, fisher price, and the discovery channel kicking out microchip after microchip of fun education to babysit your little pookie. These kids have worst allergies than ever and are fatter than ever too.
What ever happened to playing out in the yard? I'm smart as hell and I spent a huge portion of my childhood munching on dried leaves and hitting the tree in our front yard with a wiffleball bat. But seriously, when we were young everyone met up in someones back yard and decided on a game. Then all the kids would play until it got dark. When I had to stay in my own yard we played spaceship, witches, cooks, prairie times, and dogs. We rode our bikes around the neighborhood, played in the woods, and made a scarecrow every autumn.
It sickens me that parents need to be told that their kids will only benefit certain ways from all these technologically advanced "games". Like sure, they'll have extensive vocabularies, good computer skills, and be ahead of the game come first grade, but they'll also lack any social skills necessary to make a healthy human being. sucks for this generation.

Lastly I'd like to rant about humans butting into nature's course (as always) and our need to control all living things. National Geographic is a great read for me. I learn a little more about things I already knew, I learn completely new things, and on top of that I get to look at incredibly photography. Elephants. I learned long ago that elephants are deeply emotionally advanced creatures who have very complex relationships with one another. There has been an ongoing battle to protect elephants from poachers who seek their ivory tusks. But now, even wildlife management and elephant protection groups are considering re-allowing culling of elephants. This is where they go into an area where the elephant population is becoming too large and they seek out families of elephants to murder. Usually this is done by a team flying over the family and first shooting the matriarch on the group straight through the top of her head and killing her, then picking off her calves and any other adult females. (sometimes the culled elephants are taken to factories where they are turned into canned and dried meats, of course after their tusks have been stolen) Now why would anyone do this to such sensitive and amazing creatures, let alone ones that have been struggling to stay protected for so long? They answer is that some conservationists in these areas claim that there is not enough biodiversity. That the elephants are wreaking havoc on the landscape, therefore making it hard for some other species to find adequate food and shelter.
Every week I go to a place where I help repair injured birds and then re-release them. I am trying to ensure the survival of species who humans have done much damage to. The ones that are too weak, we let nature have her way with. We try not to harm what is natural any more than it has been. But these measures are extreme. If you want to be that in control of non human animal populations, it's called a zoo. And the animals are better off dying of dehydration than being shot in the tops of their heads. To make even more human like, they are waiting to begin culling again , after it's been banned since '95, until after the soccer championships are held in Africa to keep their hands clean before a monetary event takes place.

I hate us.

I've been reading a lot of comics. John lent me the first two books of Y: The Last Man. It's pretty crazy and I find myself periodically siding with the amazons :

I have no longer been using this as a place to rant about all of society's ills and the collapse of everything we know and feminism. I keep whining. But how can I not?
There is a gross condom on my night stand. It's in its tiny plastic package tucked under a book or something. Why it is still in my possession is puzzling to me too, and why I haven't thrown it out is also a question I have yet to answer. But it made me think of something that happened at my old high school. My cousin is a freshman this year. He is a polite, respectful kid with a fantastic sense of adventure. Two kids in his class were caught having sex in the locker room. They taped it, took photos, and through the miracle of technology, forwarded it to all of their friends via cell phone. It makes me sick. I actually felt my stomach churn last night when my mother told me about it. My aunt had the good sense to block him from receiving pictures or video when he first got his phone. He is not suspended. But those kids don't realize how unprepared they were for that. I'm not prepared for something like that. That shit happens everywhere, I just forget that it does.

"Any meaning is better than none. Ask any catholic, or Methodist or Hutterite or Hmong. You believe in a god, who, in his exquisite loneliness, created the universe and little you. Or you believe that we, in our terrifying loneliness, created god. Doesn't matter which. Ask any Vietnamese child kneeling in the mud, praying, chocking on her tears, feeling the hot muzzle of an m16 at the nape of her neck, hearing the screams of her grandparents, inhaling the sting of smoke and cordite, knowing that the soldier behind you, dear, is going to make his own meaning by firing a burst of bullets through your head. At that moment there is no arrow of time for you, there is no there, no then. There is only singularity, this Planck instant, this big bang, At that moment you are borrowing energy against time and shaping your brief life into a quantum of meaning."

I hope that with age I can become more like my mother in spirit. She is wise, and kooky, and free in voice. Years ago my friends and I put some plastic furby toys from a dumpster into my mother's garden. Yesterday I picked a fallen miniature toy up and set it right side out. "I can't believe these are still here." I say. "We have a furby infestation." she points out. We go to big land and walk through the store, she kicking misplaced and abandoned things out of her way, making faces at people who cut her off. 'Watch out! Vicky is here!' My mother sends me text messages just saying, simply, "I love you." because she does and she knows I need it. If I'm sad and we can only communicate my phone, she tells me to get a friend to give me a hug, because she wants to but can't. I have come to realize over the past month that I live, continuously, for my mother. There is a scrolling list in my head at all the reasons a person may no longer wish to use up this planet's stale air. And my top reason on list two is my mother. She has lost a sister and her baby in a car accident, a mother to mystery lungs, and a grandmother to age. Along with the others who come and go. She has given up a kidney to an adopted second cousin, given up art classes for her daughter's art school. She is a strong presence in the face of grief, a gentle friend for quiet days, and an outrageous lady with tons of energy, creativity, and laughter. I will go on as strongly as I can if for no other reason then my mother.

Everyone has ditched me so i go quietly into Ryan's apartment one last time to use the computer. I have baked banana bread, cleaned my ceiling fan, taken a walk, and I still feel restless. I need to hang out with someone who will make me feel valued. That's not a hard thing to do for a friend is it?
I start my new job Tuesday. I am excited to be in a place that suits me. Meeting new people, potential friends. And to feel useful again.

Ball Busta

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately.
Yesterday the urban homesteader that I am came out full force in the face of boredom. I pickled cucumbers from my garden, worked on some art projects, and sewed a back patch onto a jacket. I also found enough time to make some creepy cat toys for my sister's cats.




I also baked a spice cake with currents and cinnamon glaze. The picture looks like poop but it tasted very ginger bready and was just the right texture:






Later I went to a girl's rap party and laid down some verses with Ashley and Beth. I am officially Ball Busta, aka lil hot pot. Our song debuts at The atomic cowboy tomorrow night. It was pretty hilarious. I am a little hooked right now and keep writing more lines to use later on.

My mother, sister, and I just got done at big land. Big people pushing big carts, buying big, in bulk chips and sodas. Golly what a day!

Humid and Rainy...

Disappointment wakes me up.
"I made breakfast."
I look down to see a big steamy bowl of bad luck, sprinkled with brown sugar just the way I like it. And he made toast! Buttered with loss of self worth. Next to it is a tall glass of angst, and to top it all off, my favorite pastry filled and bursting with grief.
"Damn disappointment, you really outdid yourself this time!"
"Well, breakfast is the most important meal of the day..."
"You know just what every girl needs."

So I'm being a bit dramatic with the feelings. But that's how it has been. Things aren't actually that bad at the moment.
My friends were in from Ohio. They are really kind and silly, smart, nerdy individuals who make me smile a lot. So I had fun. Their bands get better with every listen and I wish I could tell them just how much it means to me to have people I care about located all over this country, let alone people who are willing to come and have a good time with me. Plus I got my 5 minute at a time ego boosts with the silly flirting and chatting.

Saw a friend today. It's been quite a while. And it was fantastic to just pick up like it'd never been put down.

I picked the mystery vegetables today from my deck garden. They just recently became a mystery as the veggies ripened and did not turn the shade of green that I know to be zucchini. "How can they be cucumber when I planted two zucchini plants? impossible." I say to myself. But I pick it and I know deep down that it's cucumber. Some gardener I am..
So pickle making is in order here. And it'll be wonderful.

Bored and with full blown sweet tooth making my eyes ache, I have been baking baking baking. Plus it's cooler out. Current and dried plum scones three days ago, and brownies two days ago, I will bake some Kolache type pastry tonight. Also the festival of nations is this weekend so I fully intend to pig out on some international cuisine.

must bring comics to jacob, more bellyachin' later.

S'alls a bummer

I'd like to be really eloquent and say some really stunningly insightful and beautifully worded things right now but there's just a blank.
I biked to a place that use to employ me, borrowed a key from a friend, then biked to his shady neighborhood to use the computer because I was too impatient to wait around at the library for a 60 minute slot to open up to me. At least I got exercise?
I got hired at a new job today. It is an organic grocery store/ cafe and catering company. Local produce, local people, local trends. But it suits me better than smiling at shiny tied business men while they stare at my ass as I run to get them more diet for a five dollar tip and achy feet.
Perhaps if i am patient enough life will improve one day at a time. I have seven days to kill before I begin this new work. It will be more satisfying. I think i will have the opportunity to bake a lot. And I have many recipes that I've been inventing, I'd like to see how they go over with other people. Seven days. That's a lot of blank space to fill. At least at the yuppie restaurant I was so busy doing everyone else's work that I had limited time to think. Its like my brain automatically turned off. No thoughts - no emotions - no chances of fucking things up. It's like when I turn on the t.v. to fill time and stare at a false world that reaches me in the form of a dull buzzing and blurred tones of colors whos names I can't remember. At this point in time i don't cry. I don't think. I exist only in the small shaking of my hands or the darting of my eyes from object to cat to object in my small room. Blankness.
From the library I picked up six books. I will read them all. I have begun them all already. Then my brain will work but it will work in invented lives and my invented voices for them.

Tin Armour and Ghost Town Trio come into town tomorrow. I always enjoy the company of those from Ohio. I am still undecided about what in the hell I'm going to cook for them, but I have at least 15 hours to figure it out. Show on Wednesday and i'm excited, because it's been awhile and Luc worked hard pulling things together.
A set of opossums have taken a liking to my deck and the jungle of plants that give them hiding spots. I hope they wait for me to come home...

Pranks Pranks Pranks

It all started when Tessie and I decided last night to watch a bunch of our old improved videos. Everything from Cops to sketch comedy to music videos. What a laugh. So we went over to Jacob's and ended up browsing YouTube. Luc then introduced us to a video prank done by improv everywhere. I am now hooked. They have tons of missions and just as much video footage of them. These people leading these missions are pretty talented. Take a look : http://improveverywhere.com

and so... nerdily enough I joined the group that rips off improv everywhere in St. Louis. They aren't really active though... oh well if they start to be I'm there.

I am saying yes

I am saying yes now. Yes to new things, to things that I want to do, haven't done, haven't thought of doing. As soon as I'm done being sick I'm going to continue. I might as well take this time when everything is topsy turvy and turn it semi-straight by letting myself at least feel free.
I will still look for a new job, but I might as well have fun in the mean time.
I am envious of Patrick's train trip westward. The camping the biking around beautiful Washington. But it will be so good for him I am proud for that.
I miss Pat as well. His Alaska adventure has been a long one. Maybe I will go with him next year.
It's easy to feel like everyone around me is moving and moving and changing and I'm standing still. But I'm learning to say yes to myself, and that's something.

My fist time looking at this site : http://www.threadless.com/ ... a website dedicated to making clothing for people too lazy to make their own stencils.
Most days I can't help hating everyone.

I feel the need to go on a rant. So this is what I'll talk about : http://www.ksdk.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=151343 . I think there are a lot of ways that being a cyclist can be a form of personal protest. I am a cyclist and I feel that it does a lot for me personally. Riding around naked is an excuse to ride around naked. It's not a way to protest global dependence on oil. Plus do these people really think that riding their bikes once a year is going to stop our oil addicted, self centered culture from getting its fix? to top it all off, most people were not naked. The girls who organized the ride (two girls from Wash-U who are probably majoring in humanities or some liberal art bullshit) said on the news "we will not be nude because we want to comply with the police". To protest is to go against the system that oppresses you. They create rules to get you to comply to keep you from actually making a point. If you're following their rules, then you've given them the power. Dumb idiots.