So I think I'm recovering rather well from this little surgery of mine. I can't talk however, and swallowing water hurts.
I am proud of myself though, as far as whole foods go, I managed to eat almost an entire biscuit today. Hooray! The pain medicine they game me makes me vomit, so I am currently narcotics free.
Ben gave me an opportunity that makes my life look a hell of a lot better right now. Too bad I have to worry first about paying freaking laclede gas, ameren UE, cingular, etc. Never before have I felt so idiotic with finances. But I'll be a good tenet, I promise.
My family has been treating me really well with me not feeling so good. It's really nice that they are so willing to spend countless boring hours in my apartment with me while I drool and whimper.
All over the news people are freaking out about gas. "they're holding out on us!" a woman trills. Well people, you insist on constant drilling for oil, then nature blows your whole fucking operation down. Like I declared in the past - War on Mother Nature! We'll make magnetic ribbons for cars and everything.
I'm sitting here withing for foods I can't eat. Lasagna, blackberry pie, salt and vinegar chips, french toast. Even if I do get a bite it'll taste like blood and pus. haha de-lish.
enough griping for now.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Stagnation Changes.. a paradox?
A great period of both Stagnation and incredible financial and physical changes approach. It began last week, the climax arrives Friday, and it all just mellows into the same old shit sometime after that. Can't say I'm happy about all this. It's very difficult to feel the force of an unforeseeable future push you to make permanent decisions in life.
At least I still enjoy my new job. Although I haven't had a day off in a while. I'm becoming an excellent cook, and surprising myself with my own inventiveness when it comes to rotting vegetables. However as my skill in producing mass quantities of yummy grub increases my skill with a knife decreases. I cut two fingers at the same time today and went clear through the nail on one. All these band aids and I'm starting to look like a modern day mummy. Or a little kid ... all I need are grass stains on the knees. Also, I have been commissioned by John to bake a few things for the Royale. That's pretty cool I guess.
I am being forced to sign a six month lease with my landlord. I guess there isn't really any force involved, just a lack of options. Tessie has decided that most every apartment we looked at is too expensive at this point. Unless it's affordable enough for one person, then split in two, she can't do it. So I will stay in my lousy little tenement of a home until March. I also fought with Laclede Gas today. They are thieves. It's unbelievable. Budget billing and a 95 dollar gas bill from "winter usage" when I didn't have heat until January. Bullshit. So now I've quit the budget billing and owe 198.30 by the 26th. Some day I will have a lovely little home with a pot bellied stove for burning wood and heating my home. In some ancient cultures it was very common to build stone into the floors immediately surrounding the fire to heat the floor. I think that's what I will do. So eat that Laclede Gas.
"I had tampered with the mystery of existence and I had lost the sense of my own being."
I started reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin.
I have a lot of things that I'd like to write about but the public library only allows 60 minutes per person per session.
At least I still enjoy my new job. Although I haven't had a day off in a while. I'm becoming an excellent cook, and surprising myself with my own inventiveness when it comes to rotting vegetables. However as my skill in producing mass quantities of yummy grub increases my skill with a knife decreases. I cut two fingers at the same time today and went clear through the nail on one. All these band aids and I'm starting to look like a modern day mummy. Or a little kid ... all I need are grass stains on the knees. Also, I have been commissioned by John to bake a few things for the Royale. That's pretty cool I guess.
I am being forced to sign a six month lease with my landlord. I guess there isn't really any force involved, just a lack of options. Tessie has decided that most every apartment we looked at is too expensive at this point. Unless it's affordable enough for one person, then split in two, she can't do it. So I will stay in my lousy little tenement of a home until March. I also fought with Laclede Gas today. They are thieves. It's unbelievable. Budget billing and a 95 dollar gas bill from "winter usage" when I didn't have heat until January. Bullshit. So now I've quit the budget billing and owe 198.30 by the 26th. Some day I will have a lovely little home with a pot bellied stove for burning wood and heating my home. In some ancient cultures it was very common to build stone into the floors immediately surrounding the fire to heat the floor. I think that's what I will do. So eat that Laclede Gas.
"I had tampered with the mystery of existence and I had lost the sense of my own being."
I started reading Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin.
I have a lot of things that I'd like to write about but the public library only allows 60 minutes per person per session.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Oh Humanity
I am sick and tired of humans. The end.
No, but seriously, how can one species manage to be so incredibly dim witted, and fuck up so often when they haven't even been around very long?
Let's start with politics. Today the news told me that Barack Obama will be speaking in a stadium that holds 76, 000 people. If 76, 000 people were to show up, that's 76,000 people who are delusional enough to think that their vote counts, to think that driving the speed limit at all times is going to save enough gas to keep this civilization afloat, people who think one black man can change the world (and sure, I am all for diversity in this godforsaken government, but there were plenty of black men and women before Mr. Obama that only scratched the surface, as a whole, the world thrives on racism...) 76,000 people for the more liberal vote. jesus imagine how many are on the other side? I'm sick of this.
Children. Another thing the news told me today was that children can't only play with electronic toys for the rest of their development. And may I say duh? Everything, which we all know by now, is run by money. Parents give birth to kids and from the time momma pops em out, the majority of parents spend the rest of their lives worrying about their kid's college funds or some such nonsense. So big manufacturers make smarty pants toys. Electronic books that talk and make noise while your toddler looks at pictures, miniature laptop computers with word games and numbers and puzzles, they have video games that mom says "finish playing before you have your dinner!", there are computer games, dvd's, fake cell phones. Getting little Timmy ready for college was no problem, we started when he was in utero. These parents plop their kid down in front of some cancer causing toy and convince themselves that their kids will be smarter than the rest because they have the best educational recreation on the block, meanwhile mom finishes her three way call business meeting then uses her elliptical trainer, while dad can stay late at the office. These kids get to have leap frog, fisher price, and the discovery channel kicking out microchip after microchip of fun education to babysit your little pookie. These kids have worst allergies than ever and are fatter than ever too.
What ever happened to playing out in the yard? I'm smart as hell and I spent a huge portion of my childhood munching on dried leaves and hitting the tree in our front yard with a wiffleball bat. But seriously, when we were young everyone met up in someones back yard and decided on a game. Then all the kids would play until it got dark. When I had to stay in my own yard we played spaceship, witches, cooks, prairie times, and dogs. We rode our bikes around the neighborhood, played in the woods, and made a scarecrow every autumn.
It sickens me that parents need to be told that their kids will only benefit certain ways from all these technologically advanced "games". Like sure, they'll have extensive vocabularies, good computer skills, and be ahead of the game come first grade, but they'll also lack any social skills necessary to make a healthy human being. sucks for this generation.
Lastly I'd like to rant about humans butting into nature's course (as always) and our need to control all living things. National Geographic is a great read for me. I learn a little more about things I already knew, I learn completely new things, and on top of that I get to look at incredibly photography. Elephants. I learned long ago that elephants are deeply emotionally advanced creatures who have very complex relationships with one another. There has been an ongoing battle to protect elephants from poachers who seek their ivory tusks. But now, even wildlife management and elephant protection groups are considering re-allowing culling of elephants. This is where they go into an area where the elephant population is becoming too large and they seek out families of elephants to murder. Usually this is done by a team flying over the family and first shooting the matriarch on the group straight through the top of her head and killing her, then picking off her calves and any other adult females. (sometimes the culled elephants are taken to factories where they are turned into canned and dried meats, of course after their tusks have been stolen) Now why would anyone do this to such sensitive and amazing creatures, let alone ones that have been struggling to stay protected for so long? They answer is that some conservationists in these areas claim that there is not enough biodiversity. That the elephants are wreaking havoc on the landscape, therefore making it hard for some other species to find adequate food and shelter.
Every week I go to a place where I help repair injured birds and then re-release them. I am trying to ensure the survival of species who humans have done much damage to. The ones that are too weak, we let nature have her way with. We try not to harm what is natural any more than it has been. But these measures are extreme. If you want to be that in control of non human animal populations, it's called a zoo. And the animals are better off dying of dehydration than being shot in the tops of their heads. To make even more human like, they are waiting to begin culling again , after it's been banned since '95, until after the soccer championships are held in Africa to keep their hands clean before a monetary event takes place.
I hate us.
I've been reading a lot of comics. John lent me the first two books of Y: The Last Man. It's pretty crazy and I find myself periodically siding with the amazons :
No, but seriously, how can one species manage to be so incredibly dim witted, and fuck up so often when they haven't even been around very long?
Let's start with politics. Today the news told me that Barack Obama will be speaking in a stadium that holds 76, 000 people. If 76, 000 people were to show up, that's 76,000 people who are delusional enough to think that their vote counts, to think that driving the speed limit at all times is going to save enough gas to keep this civilization afloat, people who think one black man can change the world (and sure, I am all for diversity in this godforsaken government, but there were plenty of black men and women before Mr. Obama that only scratched the surface, as a whole, the world thrives on racism...) 76,000 people for the more liberal vote. jesus imagine how many are on the other side? I'm sick of this.
Children. Another thing the news told me today was that children can't only play with electronic toys for the rest of their development. And may I say duh? Everything, which we all know by now, is run by money. Parents give birth to kids and from the time momma pops em out, the majority of parents spend the rest of their lives worrying about their kid's college funds or some such nonsense. So big manufacturers make smarty pants toys. Electronic books that talk and make noise while your toddler looks at pictures, miniature laptop computers with word games and numbers and puzzles, they have video games that mom says "finish playing before you have your dinner!", there are computer games, dvd's, fake cell phones. Getting little Timmy ready for college was no problem, we started when he was in utero. These parents plop their kid down in front of some cancer causing toy and convince themselves that their kids will be smarter than the rest because they have the best educational recreation on the block, meanwhile mom finishes her three way call business meeting then uses her elliptical trainer, while dad can stay late at the office. These kids get to have leap frog, fisher price, and the discovery channel kicking out microchip after microchip of fun education to babysit your little pookie. These kids have worst allergies than ever and are fatter than ever too.
What ever happened to playing out in the yard? I'm smart as hell and I spent a huge portion of my childhood munching on dried leaves and hitting the tree in our front yard with a wiffleball bat. But seriously, when we were young everyone met up in someones back yard and decided on a game. Then all the kids would play until it got dark. When I had to stay in my own yard we played spaceship, witches, cooks, prairie times, and dogs. We rode our bikes around the neighborhood, played in the woods, and made a scarecrow every autumn.
It sickens me that parents need to be told that their kids will only benefit certain ways from all these technologically advanced "games". Like sure, they'll have extensive vocabularies, good computer skills, and be ahead of the game come first grade, but they'll also lack any social skills necessary to make a healthy human being. sucks for this generation.
Lastly I'd like to rant about humans butting into nature's course (as always) and our need to control all living things. National Geographic is a great read for me. I learn a little more about things I already knew, I learn completely new things, and on top of that I get to look at incredibly photography. Elephants. I learned long ago that elephants are deeply emotionally advanced creatures who have very complex relationships with one another. There has been an ongoing battle to protect elephants from poachers who seek their ivory tusks. But now, even wildlife management and elephant protection groups are considering re-allowing culling of elephants. This is where they go into an area where the elephant population is becoming too large and they seek out families of elephants to murder. Usually this is done by a team flying over the family and first shooting the matriarch on the group straight through the top of her head and killing her, then picking off her calves and any other adult females. (sometimes the culled elephants are taken to factories where they are turned into canned and dried meats, of course after their tusks have been stolen) Now why would anyone do this to such sensitive and amazing creatures, let alone ones that have been struggling to stay protected for so long? They answer is that some conservationists in these areas claim that there is not enough biodiversity. That the elephants are wreaking havoc on the landscape, therefore making it hard for some other species to find adequate food and shelter.
Every week I go to a place where I help repair injured birds and then re-release them. I am trying to ensure the survival of species who humans have done much damage to. The ones that are too weak, we let nature have her way with. We try not to harm what is natural any more than it has been. But these measures are extreme. If you want to be that in control of non human animal populations, it's called a zoo. And the animals are better off dying of dehydration than being shot in the tops of their heads. To make even more human like, they are waiting to begin culling again , after it's been banned since '95, until after the soccer championships are held in Africa to keep their hands clean before a monetary event takes place.
I hate us.
I've been reading a lot of comics. John lent me the first two books of Y: The Last Man. It's pretty crazy and I find myself periodically siding with the amazons :
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I have no longer been using this as a place to rant about all of society's ills and the collapse of everything we know and feminism. I keep whining. But how can I not?
There is a gross condom on my night stand. It's in its tiny plastic package tucked under a book or something. Why it is still in my possession is puzzling to me too, and why I haven't thrown it out is also a question I have yet to answer. But it made me think of something that happened at my old high school. My cousin is a freshman this year. He is a polite, respectful kid with a fantastic sense of adventure. Two kids in his class were caught having sex in the locker room. They taped it, took photos, and through the miracle of technology, forwarded it to all of their friends via cell phone. It makes me sick. I actually felt my stomach churn last night when my mother told me about it. My aunt had the good sense to block him from receiving pictures or video when he first got his phone. He is not suspended. But those kids don't realize how unprepared they were for that. I'm not prepared for something like that. That shit happens everywhere, I just forget that it does.
"Any meaning is better than none. Ask any catholic, or Methodist or Hutterite or Hmong. You believe in a god, who, in his exquisite loneliness, created the universe and little you. Or you believe that we, in our terrifying loneliness, created god. Doesn't matter which. Ask any Vietnamese child kneeling in the mud, praying, chocking on her tears, feeling the hot muzzle of an m16 at the nape of her neck, hearing the screams of her grandparents, inhaling the sting of smoke and cordite, knowing that the soldier behind you, dear, is going to make his own meaning by firing a burst of bullets through your head. At that moment there is no arrow of time for you, there is no there, no then. There is only singularity, this Planck instant, this big bang, At that moment you are borrowing energy against time and shaping your brief life into a quantum of meaning."
I hope that with age I can become more like my mother in spirit. She is wise, and kooky, and free in voice. Years ago my friends and I put some plastic furby toys from a dumpster into my mother's garden. Yesterday I picked a fallen miniature toy up and set it right side out. "I can't believe these are still here." I say. "We have a furby infestation." she points out. We go to big land and walk through the store, she kicking misplaced and abandoned things out of her way, making faces at people who cut her off. 'Watch out! Vicky is here!' My mother sends me text messages just saying, simply, "I love you." because she does and she knows I need it. If I'm sad and we can only communicate my phone, she tells me to get a friend to give me a hug, because she wants to but can't. I have come to realize over the past month that I live, continuously, for my mother. There is a scrolling list in my head at all the reasons a person may no longer wish to use up this planet's stale air. And my top reason on list two is my mother. She has lost a sister and her baby in a car accident, a mother to mystery lungs, and a grandmother to age. Along with the others who come and go. She has given up a kidney to an adopted second cousin, given up art classes for her daughter's art school. She is a strong presence in the face of grief, a gentle friend for quiet days, and an outrageous lady with tons of energy, creativity, and laughter. I will go on as strongly as I can if for no other reason then my mother.
Everyone has ditched me so i go quietly into Ryan's apartment one last time to use the computer. I have baked banana bread, cleaned my ceiling fan, taken a walk, and I still feel restless. I need to hang out with someone who will make me feel valued. That's not a hard thing to do for a friend is it?
I start my new job Tuesday. I am excited to be in a place that suits me. Meeting new people, potential friends. And to feel useful again.
There is a gross condom on my night stand. It's in its tiny plastic package tucked under a book or something. Why it is still in my possession is puzzling to me too, and why I haven't thrown it out is also a question I have yet to answer. But it made me think of something that happened at my old high school. My cousin is a freshman this year. He is a polite, respectful kid with a fantastic sense of adventure. Two kids in his class were caught having sex in the locker room. They taped it, took photos, and through the miracle of technology, forwarded it to all of their friends via cell phone. It makes me sick. I actually felt my stomach churn last night when my mother told me about it. My aunt had the good sense to block him from receiving pictures or video when he first got his phone. He is not suspended. But those kids don't realize how unprepared they were for that. I'm not prepared for something like that. That shit happens everywhere, I just forget that it does.
"Any meaning is better than none. Ask any catholic, or Methodist or Hutterite or Hmong. You believe in a god, who, in his exquisite loneliness, created the universe and little you. Or you believe that we, in our terrifying loneliness, created god. Doesn't matter which. Ask any Vietnamese child kneeling in the mud, praying, chocking on her tears, feeling the hot muzzle of an m16 at the nape of her neck, hearing the screams of her grandparents, inhaling the sting of smoke and cordite, knowing that the soldier behind you, dear, is going to make his own meaning by firing a burst of bullets through your head. At that moment there is no arrow of time for you, there is no there, no then. There is only singularity, this Planck instant, this big bang, At that moment you are borrowing energy against time and shaping your brief life into a quantum of meaning."
I hope that with age I can become more like my mother in spirit. She is wise, and kooky, and free in voice. Years ago my friends and I put some plastic furby toys from a dumpster into my mother's garden. Yesterday I picked a fallen miniature toy up and set it right side out. "I can't believe these are still here." I say. "We have a furby infestation." she points out. We go to big land and walk through the store, she kicking misplaced and abandoned things out of her way, making faces at people who cut her off. 'Watch out! Vicky is here!' My mother sends me text messages just saying, simply, "I love you." because she does and she knows I need it. If I'm sad and we can only communicate my phone, she tells me to get a friend to give me a hug, because she wants to but can't. I have come to realize over the past month that I live, continuously, for my mother. There is a scrolling list in my head at all the reasons a person may no longer wish to use up this planet's stale air. And my top reason on list two is my mother. She has lost a sister and her baby in a car accident, a mother to mystery lungs, and a grandmother to age. Along with the others who come and go. She has given up a kidney to an adopted second cousin, given up art classes for her daughter's art school. She is a strong presence in the face of grief, a gentle friend for quiet days, and an outrageous lady with tons of energy, creativity, and laughter. I will go on as strongly as I can if for no other reason then my mother.
Everyone has ditched me so i go quietly into Ryan's apartment one last time to use the computer. I have baked banana bread, cleaned my ceiling fan, taken a walk, and I still feel restless. I need to hang out with someone who will make me feel valued. That's not a hard thing to do for a friend is it?
I start my new job Tuesday. I am excited to be in a place that suits me. Meeting new people, potential friends. And to feel useful again.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Ball Busta
I've had a lot of time on my hands lately.
Yesterday the urban homesteader that I am came out full force in the face of boredom. I pickled cucumbers from my garden, worked on some art projects, and sewed a back patch onto a jacket. I also found enough time to make some creepy cat toys for my sister's cats.
I also baked a spice cake with currents and cinnamon glaze. The picture looks like poop but it tasted very ginger bready and was just the right texture:
Later I went to a girl's rap party and laid down some verses with Ashley and Beth. I am officially Ball Busta, aka lil hot pot. Our song debuts at The atomic cowboy tomorrow night. It was pretty hilarious. I am a little hooked right now and keep writing more lines to use later on.
My mother, sister, and I just got done at big land. Big people pushing big carts, buying big, in bulk chips and sodas. Golly what a day!
Yesterday the urban homesteader that I am came out full force in the face of boredom. I pickled cucumbers from my garden, worked on some art projects, and sewed a back patch onto a jacket. I also found enough time to make some creepy cat toys for my sister's cats.
I also baked a spice cake with currents and cinnamon glaze. The picture looks like poop but it tasted very ginger bready and was just the right texture:
Later I went to a girl's rap party and laid down some verses with Ashley and Beth. I am officially Ball Busta, aka lil hot pot. Our song debuts at The atomic cowboy tomorrow night. It was pretty hilarious. I am a little hooked right now and keep writing more lines to use later on.
My mother, sister, and I just got done at big land. Big people pushing big carts, buying big, in bulk chips and sodas. Golly what a day!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Humid and Rainy...
Disappointment wakes me up.
"I made breakfast."
I look down to see a big steamy bowl of bad luck, sprinkled with brown sugar just the way I like it. And he made toast! Buttered with loss of self worth. Next to it is a tall glass of angst, and to top it all off, my favorite pastry filled and bursting with grief.
"Damn disappointment, you really outdid yourself this time!"
"Well, breakfast is the most important meal of the day..."
"You know just what every girl needs."
So I'm being a bit dramatic with the feelings. But that's how it has been. Things aren't actually that bad at the moment.
My friends were in from Ohio. They are really kind and silly, smart, nerdy individuals who make me smile a lot. So I had fun. Their bands get better with every listen and I wish I could tell them just how much it means to me to have people I care about located all over this country, let alone people who are willing to come and have a good time with me. Plus I got my 5 minute at a time ego boosts with the silly flirting and chatting.
Saw a friend today. It's been quite a while. And it was fantastic to just pick up like it'd never been put down.
I picked the mystery vegetables today from my deck garden. They just recently became a mystery as the veggies ripened and did not turn the shade of green that I know to be zucchini. "How can they be cucumber when I planted two zucchini plants? impossible." I say to myself. But I pick it and I know deep down that it's cucumber. Some gardener I am..
So pickle making is in order here. And it'll be wonderful.
Bored and with full blown sweet tooth making my eyes ache, I have been baking baking baking. Plus it's cooler out. Current and dried plum scones three days ago, and brownies two days ago, I will bake some Kolache type pastry tonight. Also the festival of nations is this weekend so I fully intend to pig out on some international cuisine.
must bring comics to jacob, more bellyachin' later.
"I made breakfast."
I look down to see a big steamy bowl of bad luck, sprinkled with brown sugar just the way I like it. And he made toast! Buttered with loss of self worth. Next to it is a tall glass of angst, and to top it all off, my favorite pastry filled and bursting with grief.
"Damn disappointment, you really outdid yourself this time!"
"Well, breakfast is the most important meal of the day..."
"You know just what every girl needs."
So I'm being a bit dramatic with the feelings. But that's how it has been. Things aren't actually that bad at the moment.
My friends were in from Ohio. They are really kind and silly, smart, nerdy individuals who make me smile a lot. So I had fun. Their bands get better with every listen and I wish I could tell them just how much it means to me to have people I care about located all over this country, let alone people who are willing to come and have a good time with me. Plus I got my 5 minute at a time ego boosts with the silly flirting and chatting.
Saw a friend today. It's been quite a while. And it was fantastic to just pick up like it'd never been put down.
I picked the mystery vegetables today from my deck garden. They just recently became a mystery as the veggies ripened and did not turn the shade of green that I know to be zucchini. "How can they be cucumber when I planted two zucchini plants? impossible." I say to myself. But I pick it and I know deep down that it's cucumber. Some gardener I am..
So pickle making is in order here. And it'll be wonderful.
Bored and with full blown sweet tooth making my eyes ache, I have been baking baking baking. Plus it's cooler out. Current and dried plum scones three days ago, and brownies two days ago, I will bake some Kolache type pastry tonight. Also the festival of nations is this weekend so I fully intend to pig out on some international cuisine.
must bring comics to jacob, more bellyachin' later.
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